Because the Commish and I live far away from each other, and because I dislike talking on the phone, and because I am in denial about how old I really am and try to act like a giggly teenager as much as possible (just kidding) (maybe), we frequently communicate via text. The other night we were text-chatting, and he said,
Also the film I consider the best movie of all time is on.
Now we all know I’m horribly sheltered when it comes to good movies, so naturally I bit, and asked him which movie that would be.
I was expecting an old classic, an indie/intellectual, or a cult classic.
Instead he answered with ET.
I’m sorry to all of you out there who love this movie and cherish it and hold it dear and love it like a baby likes its security blanket, but I hate ET. Actually, no, I’m not sorry. Because ET is all kinds of frightening. (Notice I said ET, not ET, so just to be clear, we’re talking about the bottom-heavy alien here, not the movie itself.)
I mean. What the fuck. Look at him. Tell me that you wouldn’t shit a brick if you stumbled across this disproportionate freak hiding out amongst your beloved stuffed animals. He’s not even convincing! Look at how wide-eyed and curious he is (everyone knows stuffed animals are dead in the eyes). His face is lit up like an arthritic Pedobear who just discovered a glory hole at Chuck E. Cheese.
ET is a dumpy little thing with a freakishly long neck and long, spindly fingers that light up, and as an added bonus, will also haunt your dreams. He’s a horribly drab shade of beige, and manages to look like both a starving child and chubby geriatric at the same time.
But hands-down, ET is at his most nightmare-inducing when he’s all pale and shriveled, in those absolutely horrible hospital scenes, when he’s laid out on the table, all dried up like a piece of salted cod, ready to be devoured in the name of science.
Luckily ET’s likely-equally-creepy alien friends show up at the end to rescue him (at least that’s what Wikipedia says – I’ve blocked most of the actual plotlines of this movie out of my memory), and the strange fellow departs, taking all of your ET-related night terrors with him. PHEW.
Luckily, they left Henry Thomas behind so that he could grow up and star in Legends of the Fall, Suicide Kings, and the forthcoming Legend of Hell’s Gate.
But really, no one can say it better than Robot Chicken.
*I will admit that the story itself is touching. I saw this movie when I was really young and have never watched it again. ET honestly scared the living daylights out of me. I read the synopsis on Wikipedia, and yes, I cried.