April Fools’ Day is high on my list of stupidest days ever. It becomes stupider with each passing year. This probably has to do with the fact that I’m a crusty old hag who has no sense of humor.
In honor of the national holiday for all you clowns and jokers out there, we present a special (April) Fools’ (Day) Edition of A Thin Line Between Love & Hate.
This is not a joke.
I have a good friend who is a girl. She has been dating this guy for like five years now. But we also hang out independent of her boyfriend. When we do this, she calls it a “date.” She’s even given me the nickname, “Date John.” Does this mean she wants to leave her BF and get serious with me?
Littlechick: Well John, that really depends. Do you know her boyfriend? Do you hang out with him too? Does her boyfriend know about her little nickname for you? What kind of hanging out are you doing? If you hang out sans boyfriend, but you know for sure that he knows and doesn’t care – especially if you’re doing things together that the boyfriend doesn’t enjoy – then it’s likely nothing. But then again, maybe she just wants to have a little something on the side.
The Commish: John, I’m going to make a reasonable assumption here, and that is that you are a good looking gentlemen. Quite a dapper fellow no doubt, which can only mean one thing…that yes she wants to leave her current boyfriend and shack up with you. Because she’s calling it a date which means that you have no choice but to show her what happens after a date. And of course if I’m wrong and she is somehow trying and succeeding at resisting your charms then lose her, you’ve got better ones ahead of you.
I have been dating this girl for five months now and things are getting pretty serious. We have been talking about moving in together. Normally, this is a little quick for me — but we have GREAT sexual chemistry and I can’t pass up the opportunity to have this girl in my bed every night. Down the road, who knows? But looking at the future there is one major problem — her breasts. OK, so two problems. Don’t get me wrong, her breasts are fantastic… but they’re also fake. I’ve heard that fake breasts need to be changed or taken out every ten years to ensure the health of the woman. Is this true? And if I end up staying with this girl will I have to foot the bill every ten years for her breasts?
Littlechick: I’ll let The Commish handle this one. You and your doll probably wouldn’t like what I have to say. Plus, fake breasts fall within neither my area of expertise nor my interests.
The Commish: Well, this one is quite simple…you are complaining about having to pay for replacements every ten years? God, if only I had such a problem. You get a new car at least every ten years don’t you? With these, you’ll have a hell of a lot more fun, and get a hell of a lot more “mileage” out of them if you know what I mean. Just remember this, once she hits her 50s you’ll be unbelievably grateful that your ball and chain is best friends with the local plastic surgeon.
Over the years I have become very good at stalking girls through Facebook and the internet. Usually it’s girls I only kinda know — so I have enough information to go on and narrow down to an effective search (their name, where they work, where they live, ETC). Now, this one girl I have been stalking online since December got drunk with me last week and agreed to go out on a date! The only problem is I know SO MUCH about this chick already I’m afraid something is going to “slip out.” If I admit that I’ve read all her blog posts — the crazy ones about her sister with Asperger’s, the old ones about her ex-boyfriend that played bass in a death metal band, and the irrational ones where she professes her love for the TV show COUGAR TOWN — it will all come off as creepy.
How much information is enough to admit I know about her but not too much to demonstrate I’ve been stalking her for four months? HELP!
Littlechick: The blog is out there publically (right?), so theoretically, anything she writes on it is fair game for conversation; however, if you let on that you know too much, you will definitely set off her creep RADAR. (This also begs the question: how exactly did you come by this blog?) Still, I would stay away from referencing your devious digging outright. Instead, find ways to work one or two minor points of interest into the conversation – if she loves “Cougar Town”, find a way to tell a (true) story about your sister/mom/female friend who also loves “Cougar Town”. Stay away from anything that’s too personal and definitely don’t bring up the ex.
Rule of thumb: even though it’s tempting to rely on your investigative reporting, when in doubt, keep a lid on it. You can always tell her later when you’re more comfortable with each other (and preferably drunk) that you checked out her Facebook page or blog. Because let’s face it – everyone does it. Do you think I would have hung out with The Commish without checking out his Facebook page first? Definitely not.
The Commish: Shut your damn mouth. Not a word. The only stuff that’s fair game is what she has told you. None of this extracurricular information because it’s not going to end well if you spill the beans. Trust the Commish, as a champion stalker myself I caution you that loose lips sink ships. Oh and about Cougar Town, Courtney Cox still looks quite good for her age last time I checked, and yes I would.
I work with this cute girl (Brenda). At company events she is always by my side to the point where people we work with have asked how long we have been “together.” I wouldn’t mind it so much but Brenda has told me, many times, (a) how much she loves her boyfriend and (b) how she would never date anyone she works with.
Recently I started dating someone we both work with. Suddenly, at company outings, Brenda is all over me more than usual and extremely jealous when I give my attention to anyone, male or female, that is not her. We have had some arguments over this where I outright told her she can’t have things both ways with me. But she persists to the point I don’t want to go to any work functions any more.
My question — why are girls such crazy jealous bitches?
Littlechick: Chad, you’ve asked quite the loaded question. As the female half of this fine establishment, I feel somewhat obligated to express some bit of indignation (!!!!!), but all in all, I agree with you (except that you forgot catty, overanalyzing, manipulative, and insecure). Most girls like to be the center of the attention, plain and simple. Some girls handle not being the COA better than others. Clearly Brenda is not one of these girls.
If I were you, I’d get in touch with Date John (#1) and find out if his lady friend is available for appearances at company outings.
The Commish: Girls are in fact crazy jealous bitches. Let me take a complete 180 in my thinking from Littlechick…what about a three-way? You like both girls, so let’s face it; it’s time to see if they like each other. For your homework, the Commish recommends that you watch the most wonderful film of the year 1998, Wild Things, for all appropriate pointers that you’ll ever need on the power that is the three-way. Plus if it goes wrong, it was going to anyway because as we all know, two chicks in close proximity to you who just can’t split your affection isn’t going to end well for any of the parties involved, because as we already said, girls are in fact crazy jealous bitches.
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