Fellow Idol worshipers, let me tell you – I was not looking forward to watching this week’s episodes. Partly because I had a difficult time finding the actual time to sit down and watch moderately talented dreamers, and partly because I am sick of them. Tonight’s episode (the last of the auditions) cannot come soon enough. Hollywood Week is always, always fun for some trainwrecking, and I’ll be glad to have the contestant pool whittled down so we can stop talking about people that we’ll never see again.
So let’s jump right in!
I kind of loved the apology that Idol posted at the beginning of the episode on Wednesday. If you missed it, it read:
American Idol would like to apologize for last week’s outrageous behavior by Steven Tyler. Mr. Tyler has been warned and assures us it will never happen again.
Ummm, hello, Idol!? Pretty sure people have said and done worse things than Steven Tyler’s f-ck a duck ditty. Having a potty mouth with your complete breakdown is a virtual guarantee that Idol will slap their famous “American Idol” oval logo over your mouth or your finger and give you your so desired 15 seconds of fame. I’m assuming this was tongue in cheek (note they didn’t say his behavior was inappropriate), especially because they opened the show with a rhyming reference to the FCC’s favorite bleeped out word. Besides, Steven Tyler is a ROCKSTAR, and rockstars are supposed to be outrageous, right?
I have no idea where Austin, Texas is. East, West? North, South? Someone enlighten me, please. The auditions in Los Angeles (I do know where that is) opened with a montage of people who’ve already made it – did you pay attention to this montage? Because these are the people Idol really wants you to like (or hate – just know who they are). Expect many of them to go far.
Steven Tyler was fairly subdued. I was slightly disappointed that there was no screeching, but he blessed our ears with one right at the end of the Texas auditions (sadly, the only one in the two nights). Crisis averted. I enjoyed the two-take cigar smoking, and any guy who can tell a girl she has a sweet and angelic voice and then simultaneously liken it to a lamb’s bleating is golden in my book.
How long before they rename the show Jennifer Idol? Or American Lopez? All the world’s a stage, and Jennifer Lopez is the only player. I love when she scolded Randy for making a joke about he was the lovely one. Diva much? Watch the subtle delight in her face when she cuts down the young, pretty girls. Do you think after the second day in Texas her face hurt from having her hair pulled so tight? I bet it did. I like how the only thing she’s done that contestants seem to know is My Love Don’t Cost a Thing.
Randy continues to provide some great soundbites, especially during the Atomic Dawg montage in Texas (beginning and ending with the armadillo). He came close to Cowell’s bush baby comment by telling the Jesus girl that she sounded like “one of those animals” (which one??). I love it when he tells contestants that they just shouldn’t sing ever again. Tough love, Randy.
He’s not a judge, and he’s not a contestant, but I love him, so he’s getting his own section from now on.
And clearly I’m not the only one – he reduced some crazy girl in Texas to tears. When he was hugging her, you could see the thought bubble over her head: OMG OMG OMG OMG RYAN SEACREST TOUCHED ME I AM NEVER WASHING THIS EVERRRRRRRRRR.
And his comment to John Wayne’s dad about how he would be a disappointing son to him because he’s not rough and tough? Priceless. See, this is why I love Seacrest.
- Brother who Just Met His Sister – I am ALL OVER his Texas twang. And I am totally down with his singing Bonnie Raitt, because she’s all sorts of awesome. But he sang a few too many runs for my tastes.
- The British Girl – She had a nice voice, but she killed (in a bad way) At Last. Normally I hate crying, but I was glad to see her go through after she sang some Miley Cyrus (what up, guilty pleasure!).
- John Wayne – They played the Hoedown from Rodeo during his intro – plus. He rides horses (plus), pulls off the black cowboy hat (plus), and he’s kind of hot (plus). Do you think he always introduces himself as “John Wayne Schulz”? He had a nice voice, and I’m glad he went through.
- Chicken Girl who Loves Seacrest – She was clearly eating up the camera time, but she had a nice voice (except for the growling, I hate growling). If she makes it far, I’m predicting ultra polarizing.
- The Icky Couple – They were terrifying. Any montage that opens with Eskimo kisses is guaranteed to be bad, and it was incredibly cringeworthy. But their voices were good. I hope they realize that there is only one Idol winner. Keep them on your radar – the awkward fallout from when one of them goes on and the other one doesn’t is going to be epic.
- Country Girl from Tennessee – I don’t think of Southerners as people with no teeth who don’t wear shoes. But she didn’t help dispel any stereotypes by playing her guitar on the porch. Is she the second coming of Carrie Underwood?
- Fraggle Rock – I was blown away by this guy. He’s going to have to prove he can do something outside of Ray Charles (and the like) to stay though. I wonder if he’ll do as well if he doesn’t have his melodica to give him the key.
- MySpace Girl – I barely paid attention to her. But I hate people who play the race card.
- Stripper/Belly Dancer – I was not impressed by her. Neither her dancing nor her singing. The judges seemed to be blown away though, so we’ll see.
- The Scarf Brothers – I enjoyed these two even before they started singing. They seem fun. Do you think they’d be my Facebook friends?? I loved the harmony, and they’re adorable.
I can’t say it enough – Idol really needs to start showing us more of the bad auditions. We got a nice montage of people who didn’t make it, but
- Girl who Sang Church Songs – I was surprised they opened the LA auditions with her, because they normally open with someone good. Her diss on JLo? Awesome.
- The Bromance Brothers – People like these guys always amaze me. Are people telling them that they’re good? Can they not hear how tone deaf they are? On the plus side, they didn’t break down into tears or grovel.
- MySpace Girl with the Scary Eyebrows – She was bad, and her eyebrows are going to give me nightmares.
- James Brown – I know the first round screeners put the crazies like this through because it allegedly makes for good “entertainment”, but this guy was representative of everything I hate about Idol.
Things to Look Forward To
Last week’s auditions were the last auditions before the Super Bowl. That means no more of those annoying commercials about the selfish old men who go to every single Super Bowl together. Did anyone else want to punch those guys in the face? And steal their Super Bowl tickets? Because I did. You know what would be funny? If they were part of that group of 400 people who were part of The Great NFL Ticket SNAFU of Super Bowl XLV.
We’re finally getting down to business this week. Hollywood Week is sure to bring the drama.
You can catch American Idol on Wednesday, 2/9 and Thursday, 2/10 at 8 /7C.