What did you do for New Year’s Eve? Did you go out? Did you have a party? We had a couple friends visiting for the weekend and decided to stay in for the night. For reasons unknown, we ended up watching NBC’s Minute to Win It, hosted by the one of the world’s premiere douchebags. While I’ve never seen the show before, I am familiar with Guy Fieri, the bombastically over-the-top Food Network host who, for the life of me, I can’t figure out how he landed a game show hosting gig on a major national network.
The show is as horrible as it sounds. I tuned in part way through a holiday special, and was instantly riveted. Surprisingly, Fieri is not the worst part of the show – he’s actually quite toned down. It’s everything else. It’s the audience who pretends to care. It’s the “blueprints” with the mechanical British woman and the awkward animations. It’s the ridiculous tasks. But most of all, it’s the contestants.
We’ll start with Alissa and Steve, from Brooklyn, NY. They are a brother and sister pair who live with their parents and who took the show and its tasks way too seriously. Completing one of the tasks even reduced Alissa to tears. To tears. I think you need to step back and seriously reevaluate your life when performing an idiotic task, such as picking up tiny candy canes with a big candy cane, brings on the waterworks.
But that wasn’t the worst part about Alissa and Steve, no. Alissa and Steve liked to hug each other a lot. And it wasn’t just friendly, “Oooh, yay, we completed this task!” hugging. And it wasn’t, “Wow, I love being here with my sibling and winning money for our family!” hugging. It was uncomfortable-to-watch-knowing-they’re-siblings hugging. Alissa would run up to Steve and jump into his arms, wrap her legs around his waist, and then he would jostle her up and down.
Oh, and did I mention the part where he got himself some good ass grabs in as well? Because he did, and it was awkward. I don’t know about you, but I don’t hug my siblings as if we were recently reunited lovers, and I certainly don’t help myself to a handful of ass while doing so.
The other couple (I can’t remember their names, and who cares, it’s not important anyway) were less icky, but equally annoying. They looked as if they’d just walked out of a Norm Thompson catalog and treated each task as if finding the cure to cancer depended on their successful completion. When they failed – and they failed often and with hilarious reactions – it made for some great entertainment. To wit – Female Contestant apparently doesn’t know what “Jingle Bells” sounds like. Even the most tone-deaf child could get that song right, but its melody was somehow lost on her.
Male Contestant’s crowning achievement came when he pulled the cheesiest of all cheese moves by asking Female Contestant to marry him on the show. (Is this cute? Question for the females in the audience – would you want to be proposed to on a national game show? On Minute to Win It? We can talk about this another time.) Female Contestant blubbered “yes” in a flurry of tears, and then Male Contestant proceeded to put the engagement ring on the wrong hand. It’s the left hand, man – left hand!
But do you want to know what my absolute favorite moment of Minute to Win It was? Finding out that Male and Female Contestant were from Ohio.