Do you know who David Ogden Stiers is (DO NOT GOOGLE HIM)? No? Then I’m going to assume you don’t watch a lot of Disney movies because that guy is all over them. Go ahead and Google him now – check out his Wikipedia page, which even states that he is “noted for his roles in Disney films”. Noted for these roles before his roles in “M*A*S*H” and “Perry Mason”.
Here’s the sexy beast who is the topic of this week’s throwdown (you know, just in case you wanted a visual).
Now when I first thought up this throwdown (it came to me in a brilliant flash of light, or probably while I was daydreaming while driving on the highway, whoops), I immediately thought of two of David’s Disney characters: that pompous gasbag clock Cogsworth from “Beauty and Beast” (the first animated film to be nominated for an Academy Award for best picture (and back when the pool was only five pictures, none of this ten picture shit)) and the equally pompous gasbag (but much uglier) Governor Ratcliffe from “Pocahontas”.
Check ’em out.
Cogsworth is the prissy, fussy little clock from “Beauty and the Beast” who is the total downerpants to Jerry Orbach’s awesomely fun Lumiere. While Lumiere’s off throwing parties and kissing dustbusters, Cogsworth is wringing his hands and fretting over the wrath of the Beast (not unwarranted, since that guy has got MAJOR anger issues). Lumiere does his best to ensure that Belle
gets trapped hangs around long enough to maybesortapossibly fall in love with the Beast and break the spell while Cogsworth just toddles along and chastises everyone. If it weren’t for that one scene where he makes a really sad face, I’d almost think he enjoys being a clock and is rooting against the Beast (WHY DO YOU HATE LOVE, COGSWORTH)?
While Cogsworth is a stick in the mud, Governor Ratcliffe is a megadouche. He’s the governor (DUH) of the Jamestown colony and believes in white supremacy, which, shit – is probably not a group of people with which you generally want to be associated. He becomes convinced that the Powhatan natives are hiding gold in Virginia and is generally just a dick to them. Even his little dog Percy can’t save him from being one of the most evil Disney characters ever (pretty sure if we look at this objectively, he’s right up there with Frollo and Maleficent, who SUCK). He has the distinction of leading one of Disney’s most racially-tinged songs, too! WIN! (Does Disney honestly think that any child is going to understand the real meaning of this song? Pfffft. They’re just going to prance around whooping, “Savages! Savages!”)
(I know, I know – where’s Jumba!? where’s the Archdeacon!? Maybe we’ll get to them another time.)
So who will it be? Clock vs. rat? Priss vs. douche? Cogsworth’s mustache vs. Ratcliffe’s mustache? The Governer’s girth?
As always, voting criteria is your own.